(This was originally posted on my old blog on 05/03/09
Alright, one of my good friends just had a brush with death this past week. In the interest of preventing future loss of life, I’ve decided to publish it in its entirety. Those of you with young children may want to shield their eyes as what follows is graphic in nature.
“I just had what amounted to my first panic attack, I think. I’m going out to my living room and I’m opening up my blinds to let in the glorious morning and what happens to be on the inside of my window, but a wasp!!!! I freaked out. It wasn’t a fast moving wasp, but it was alive and had stingers I’m sure would have killed me, if I let it. I run back into my room and shut my door, sure I would have to spend the next day or so in my room until it died, when I thought (through my racing heart and shaking hands) that I couldn’t do that. Hello? Then I said, mom? where are you when I need you? So, I go out and look at it. It’s just staring out my window, moving slightly, sometimes flaring its wings. It is ugly and so scary to me. I open my balcony door and tell it to fly away. I will let you live if you just fly out my door! But it didn’t listen to me. It just stayed there flexing its wings, looking menacing. So, I decide I have to kill it. I go into my closet where I have long rolls of wrapping paper and pull out my longest one. I put on my Celine Dion jacket because I don’t want it to sting my arms, then go out and realize that if I don’t kill it on the first hit, it’s coming after me. So I put on some gloves. Then I think, my beautiful face! So, I think of what robbers put on to conceal their face, yet still see out. So, I put fishnet stockings over my head, and I can see out, but I make a very hard target. Then I put on my Harry Potter hat for good measure. At this point, I don’t think I can even attempt to kill it because I am sure I would miss and then it would fly to a place that I couldn’t reach and then I really would be stuck in my room. So, I get out one of my coke glasses and a sturdy sheet of paper. Then I look down at my legs and the calves are bare, so I go and put on knee high socks. My heart is still racing when I meet my enemy. I gently ease my blinds the rest of the way open and put the glass over the top of the wasp. It really is very slow and doesn’t realize what has happened to it until I start easing the paper under it and I jostle the wasp. It starts moving around, but I know it can’t get to me because I am completely covered from head to toe and I have it in a glass (my heart is still racing). I ease the paper completely over the top of the glass and pull it away from the window. The wasp does not like this at all. I run outside determined to let it free. Then my mind kicks in and I stare at its angry body, shaking with rage and ready to sting anything when it gets free and I think, that would be stupid to be the person there for it to sting and I’m staring at it, so it probably has my face memorized and it hates me. So, I run around in my apartment for a minute just panicing because I have this wasp in my hand and I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t have my industrial strength tape to tape the paper down and I can’t let it go and ahhhh!!!! What do I do? What do I do?!! So, here’s what I did. I set the cup down outside my door with the paper still on top and shut my door very quickly. So, there it sits on my balcony, which I cannot open for at least a day. I came back into my apartment, took a good look at myself in the mirror and laughed hysterically. My heart starts to slow and my hands become slightly steadier. I really should have taken a picture. Me against the wasp. And I won…or did I?”
Ya know, when I know someone who is willing to face down our natural predators in such a courageous and level-headed fashion, it makes me wonder what we humans are really capable of if we put our minds to it. Frankly it puts me in mind of Indiana Jones, thrust down into the snake pit, who using only his wits and his trusty whip (and a several hundred-ton statue) was able to single-handedly outthink them all! Kudos to you, my anonymous friend!